My Obituary

Kuwait—Yousef Alshammari, 81, renowned writer, activist and bodybuilder, would like to let the world know that winter has ended. Alshammari reportedly passed away while playing with his grandchildren on September 23, 2064.

He is succeeded by his wife of 56 years, Autumn Anthony; his son, Ali; his daughter Zainab; his grandchildren, Yousef, Fatima, Luna and Haidar; and many close friends.

Born and raised to a military father and teacher mother in Salwa, Kuwait, Yousef attended British and American schools until his graduation from the American International School of Kuwait. At 19, Yousef earned a study abroad scholarship from the Ministry of Education and journeyed to the United States. There, he attended the University of Colorado at Boulder and, after five major changes, graduated with a bachelor of arts in journalism and a minor in economics. He pursued a higher education and became a professor of media studies with Reed University of Oregon.

By age 30, Yousef had published novels, essays, memoirs and scholarly articles. After establishing the Wry Ronin Publishing Co., Yousef spent the rest of his 30s professionally competing as a bodybuilder until his retirement at 45. Post retirement, Yousef continued to write and teach. However, after the global rise of authoritarian governments and censorship in the 2040s, he founded the Coalition of Freedom Writers, CFW. The international group of screenwriters, poets, professors and obituary editors ignited the infamous #PullMyFinger movement of 2041 after the worldwide ban on public farting.

Yousef was later dubbed by his peers and fans as the Realm’s Protector after singlehandedly ending World War III with his groundbreaking book, Ye Fluthered Floozie, a collection of the greatest one liners in back-slang Gaelic, the language of Irish gypsies in England known as Pikey. The critically acclaimed book won a Pulitzer Prize in 10 different categories, an honorary Oscar and a completely rusted coin collection from the Boy Scout Association of Latvia.

In the year 2055, Yousef had finally convinced the Olympics committee to accept bodybuilding as an official sport of the ancient sports festival. With aid from the International Federation of Body Building, IFBB, the opening ceremony of 2056’s summer Olympics involved the revealing of the now demolished 50 mile high statue of Yousef cutting a block of cheese.

During his last decade, Yousef founded the Lady Zainab Organization, a collective effort to financially support orphans and children in distress across the globe. A nonprofit that is, according to the World Health Organization, closer to eradicating all forms of child abuse than any entity throughout history.

He reportedly spent his last 2 years editing his final novel, 7.0 on the Rectum Scale, a story of a compulsive farter who becomes a masked vigilante in effort to end the corruption of dairy industries. The book is scheduled for release after Yousef’s will is completed where he leaves all his fortune to his daughter, Zainab.

A colorful writer, an observer of humanity, and a critic of human nature, Yousef will go down in history as one of the greatest satirists. A celebration of his life’s work will be conducted by his arch-nemesis and lifetime best friend, Bruce Wayne IV, in the Break Wind building on Flatulence street of Peculiar, Missouri.

A funeral service will be held in a week’s time in the Valley of Peace, Iraq where he had always wished to be buried in. The public burial welcomes all with the small fee of a strawberry pop-tart.

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